I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize