did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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