so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
someone owes me an orgasm
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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