you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
