Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I have tasted many bathrooms
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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