I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
