if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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