If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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