So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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