Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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