Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize