can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
