Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
