just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
