Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
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