Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
