I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
