My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
