what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
