so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
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