You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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