where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
