I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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