Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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