Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
