you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
