For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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