I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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