just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
