I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
