If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
