i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Randomize
