How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
