Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
