Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
