Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Acid is not a monday night drug
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
