I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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