I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
