So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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