I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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