i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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