My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
