last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
