I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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