tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
