Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
