my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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