You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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