I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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