hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
