babies were throwing up all over the place
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Are these your boobs on my camera?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize