Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
two words: eviction party
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
