There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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