you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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