if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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