i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We need to feng shui this bitch.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize