I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
