Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
