No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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