it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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