my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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