I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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