i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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