Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
