dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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