I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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