Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
