a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
