Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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