someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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